FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - THURSDAY EVENING (NIGHT ONE)
(ALAN, CHARLIE, JAKE)

CHARLIE AND JAKE ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE PINGING A PAPER FOOTBALL BACK AND FORTH WITH CONSIDERABLE FOCUS. ALAN ENTERS STRUGGLING WITH GROCERY BAGS

ALAN
A little help.

CHARLIE
(not looking up)
You’re almost there, Alan. Don’t give up the fight. We’re rooting for you.

ALAN
(desperate)
Jake?!?

WITH THE BAGS ABOUT SLIDE OUT OF HIS HANDS, ALAN LURCHES TO THE COUNTER AND HEAVES THE BAGS ONTO IT, IMMEDIATELY SHAKING OUT A CRAMPED HAND AFTER THE DUMP.

ALAN (CONT’D)
Thanks. Thanks a lot.

JAKE LOOKS UP FOR THE FIRST TIME, UNAWARE OF WHAT HAPPENED.

JAKE
Hi dad.

CHARLIE KICKS A FIELD GOAL AND FOOTBALL SAILS OVER JAKE’S HEAD AND HITS ALAN IN THE FACE.

ALAN
Okay then Jake, as your reward for being such a helpful son, you get to put away the groceries.

JAKE
What’d ya get?

JAKE GOES TO COUNTER AND PULLS A PLAIN LOOKING BOX OF CEREAL FROM THE BAG.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Bran Wads?

JAKE DIGS FURTHER INTO BAG

JAKE (CONT’D)
Where’s the five pound bag of sugar I’m supposed to dump on these?

ALAN
Sorry, Jake, a high-fiber, low-taste breakfast is a Harper family tradition. Our mom denied us sugary cereals, and I’m afraid we must pass this denial down to you.

DEFLATED, JAKE OPENS CUPBOARD AND PUTS AWAY CEREAL WITH DISDAIN.

CHARLIE
Yeah, but at least we had her secret stash.

ALAN
What secret stash?

CHARLIE
Of Cap’n Crunch. You didn’t know about mom’s stash?

ALAN
What would mom want with Cap’n Crunch?

CHARLIE
Post-martini recovery.

ALAN
And this works how?

CHARLIE
Like the saying goes, “go to the moon with Stoli, Jim and Remi, come back to earth with the Cap'n.”

CHARLIE OPENS A REMOTE KITCHEN CUPBOARD AND PULLS OUT A BOX OF COUNT CHOCULA.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Or in my case, The Count.

ALAN
And mom had this secret stash how long?

CHARLIE
Sounds like someone has a new therapy topic.

CHARLIE HANDS BOX TO JAKE, WHO ACTS AS THOUGH HE HAS JUST RECEIVED THE HOLY GRAIL.

ALAN
Wonderful. Well Jake, welcome to the new improved Harpers. Now packed with 15% more dishonesty!

JAKE RIPS INTO THE BOX AND SHOVES HANDFULS IN HIS MOUTH.

JAKE
And one hundred percent better breakfast.

CHARLIE
Technically, Alan, mom wasn’t lying.

ALAN
C'mon Charlie. I distinctly remember her saying, every time we went to the store, "I’m not buying you that crap."

ALAN GRABS THE CEREAL AWAY FROM JAKE.

CHARLIE
But she bought herself that crap, so she wasn’t lying. She was omitting.

JAKE
What’s omitting?

ALAN SUCCUMBS TO THE LURE OF CEREAL AND GRABS A HANDFUL.

ALAN
Omitting means leaving something out. Not telling the whole story. It’s like “Lying Lite.”

CHARLIE
Not true, Alan. Mom saying “I’m not buying that crap,” and then buying it for herself would have been lying. Mom saying “I’m not buying that crap for you” and then buying it for herself was omission.

JAKE
I see. So it would be like if parent teacher conferences were tomorrow and I omitted saying you're suppose to meet with Miss McKinnon at 3:45.

ALAN
Ok, well, that would be-

THERE IS A PAUSE.

ALAN (CONT’D)
That’s just an example, right, Jake?

JAKE KEEPS QUIET.

ALAN (CONT’D)
Jake?

JAKE
I’m omitting.

CHARLIE
No, that’s abstaining, Jake, but I like the way you think.

ALAN
I can't do it tomorrow. I have the Chiropractic Association convention. You really should have told me, Jake.

to read the rest of this script please download the pdf version »